Let's Talk About Last Week

The last seven days have been a typhoon of emotion for me, and for the goofiest possible reasons.

After about a week and a half in the incubator, USGamer published my fighting game article about the (somewhat) notorious 3rd Strike toll, ufcgym. They really liked it, those sassy USGamer editors; traffic looks like it was good, there were 20+ reactions to the story on the site, and comments were generally positive. I suppose it helps that I plugged it on the Facebook 3rd Strike pages and to my other FGC buddies, but I'm not above that.

Having not been published for over a year, it was pretty thrilling to be back at it after my little hiatus. Actually, it's always a bit of a jolt when you see your name attached to work that you're proud of, and this article was definitely something I was happy with. A bit more journalistic than my usual stuff, I actually didn't think it was going to be a very good fit for USG, but I'm definitely happy that they didn't see it that way. But things just kept getting better. EIC (and cool guy) Jeremy Parish paid me a hell of a compliment on Twitter and even followed me as the week went on (which is funny because I almost never do the tweets). Kat Bailey, the editor that I was working with for the story, was very encouraging for future stories. Keep them coming, she said.

So I gave it some thought, and pitched her a story that had been picking at my brain for months. After growing up as Catholic as a Catholic can Catholic, I decided to write a story about how hard it was to reconcile those beliefs when most video games treat organized religion --and specifically Christianity-- as antagonistic at best. It was sort of nebulous until I actually had some words down, but knowing that the Dragon Age games were a little more even handed and level headed with their portrayal of faith, I thought I had something there if I could get in touch with the BioWare guys. The editors dug it, and I was off to the races.

Blam. One in the can and another assignment ready to go. I rewarded my good fortune with a little eBay adventuring, finally pulling the trigger on a Master System game exclusive to Europe that I had been eyeballing for years (as the price steadily rose). Pride in a job well done.

So, there I was. 75% of this story pounded it out in an afternoon. A little back and forth with some PR reps from BioWare, and I was just waiting on an email with some questions answered. Slam dunk.

Then this happened.

I was sick to my stomach. The exact same story taking the exact same angle. While clearly written from the perspective of someone in his 20s (what I had written was definitely from the perspective of me in my 30s), it was close enough to a duplicate as there could ever be. Even using Final Fantasy X as a clear example. I was incredulous. I read it and reread it, beside myself with one part fury and three parts amazement. I talked it over with friends, and thought that the best move was to bail, even though I could have taken the Q/A with the BioWare writers and spun it into a straight interview. In good conscience, I just couldn't redo the same story and gamble on being accused of plagiarism.

This ate at me the whole weekend. Years ago, at another site I freelanced with, I would pitch stories that were frequently turned down only to have them wind up being written by an in-house staffer a month later. Since freelance games writers are more expendable napkins, I never called them out on it, just kept pitching them stories they would either mangle or rework for their own teams, and it pissed me off to no end. Now, this couldn't possibly have been what was happening, but those same feelings can't help but come back in a situation like this. I wrote back to USG to let them know what was up, and they were glad to accept a new pitch for March, but the wind got knocked out of me, so I didn't have anything off the top of my head to throw their way.

In the realm of huge deals, this is kind of low on the list. Our Jung-ian group think got the better of me, and some other writer someplace else had the same idea I had. Ho hum. I spent a good chunk of yesterday in a bar with a laptop trying to cook up some other leads, and I still have some work to do and inspiration to gather.

But, man, that Sega game can't get here fast enough.

This Funk is a Deep Funk

Your concern for me has been heard, internet. Even though you haven't called or written or sent over a casserole, your Jungian group think has nudged at me, and let me know that you care. The disturbance in the Force was felt. Here I am. Alive, writing words into ether. But it's been a long time, amiright? Yes. Yes, it has; and I don't have a very good excuse for being away this time other than the cold hard truth: I'm in a funk.

Not a depressive, angsty funk, but a writing a funk. I tried hard after the New Year to use some valuable freed up personal time to get back to finishing a draft of The Book, but it hasn't gone well. Part of it was that I was out of practice, and some of the skill that I (not really) possessed had atrophied. The real reason, though, is that I just cannot find any mojo, and it's turning into a real problem. The stuff that's come out is decidedly sub-par, and the drafts of a few chapters for the second half of the book don't jibe at all with the earlier, better stuff, which is discouraging. From everything I've read on the subject it seems that this is a common lull that people fall into, so I'm trying to stay optimistic.

So here's the plan: a long time ago and in a small refinery town far, far away I read an article in a magazine that told you that if you can't sleep, it's probably because your mind's racing. The cure? Get out of bed, keep the TV off, and make a list of something. Preferably, it should be a list of what to do the next day, but any list will do. To spin the metaphor, writing this fucking book has kept me in an insomniac's malaise and I'm getting more frustrated than dreamy. So I'm going to make a list, and it's a list of how to get my memoir swerve goin'. Follow it with me:

Step 1- More Writing, Dummy: Obvious, but essential. Whole sections of the first half dumped out of me like a frat brother after St. Patrick's day. Other stuff -good stuff- came out with a little pushing and a lot of elbow grease. But it came out because I was in the mode to work through it. I need to get back to that and not expect that some nerd deity will descend upon me for word-typing possession. The simple truth is that I don't carve out enough time to write, and I have to do that. No more excuses

Step 2- Read A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius: Before you leave, hear me out. This is something I've been avoiding since I started this little project a few years ago. When I read this book about a decade or so ago, I, like a bunch of other folks, thought it was the cat's ass, and it influenced a lot of the ways I would turn phrases when I was a lot more serious about blogging. Over the years I read more (and probably better) memoirs, and those influences slowly evolved, as influences do. The book I'm writing has two direct antecedents, but I won't be mentioning those right now. I know I should keep an open mind and let the work grow organically and all of that horeseshit, but the last thing I wanted was to reread a book that I (still) hold in high regard, cliched as it has become, and start bending the prose to be Eggers-esque, subconscious though it would be. It was a kind of hasty decision the other night, but I didn't want to dig around for a newer memoir, and those other two books still firmly in my mind during my process, so I made the call and decided that AHWOSG might kickstart something that I desperately need. Maybe I'm not a creator, and more of a synthesizer; a 2004 Ryan Adams rather than a 1987 Guns & Roses.* I guess we're going to find out. This will happen in the morning before work and, ideally, close to bedtime.

Step 3- Ingest More Comedy: Cancer's funny, even when it's not. Ok, that's a bit of a lie, but I'm working on it. Problem is, I'm not that funny of a guy, so you could say that I'm spinning my wheels a bit in my own way. I have lots of friends that are really into comedy, a few of them amateur stand-ups, and they've recommended me a couple of really good podcasts to sort of expand these influences. This is a lunchtime activity.

Step 4- Severely Cut Down on Video Games: For a book about cancer and video games this might sound kind of dumb, but really, it isn't. While it's true that I can play simple games during my lunch breaks (while following Step 3), long nightly gaming binges need to cease. Luckily, I just put Dark Souls 2 to rest (hundreds, yes, hundreds of hours later) and am almost finished with the Last of Us (finally), but I'm thinking I might just throw in the towel on the plight of Ellie and Joel like the ritual burning of a pack of cowboy killers. Ok, it won't be that dramatic, but this is a priority now.

Your collective silent screams have been heard internet. Stare at the wall for a split second and send me your good vibes.

*Not a comparison you should take seriously